If you’re looking for a good laugh, Mitch Hedberg quotes are exactly what you need. Known for his unique style, quick wit, and surreal one-liners, Mitch Hedberg became a legendary figure in the world of stand-up comedy.
His humor resonates with audiences even today, offering a perfect mix of absurdity, brilliance, and charm.
If you’re here for a quick chuckle, some nostalgic lines, or simply to brighten your day, these quotes will deliver.
Let’s dive into some of the best and funniest Mitch Hedberg quotes that continue to entertain fans worldwide.
Let’s dive in!
Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- 🌟 I used to do drugs I still do but I used to too
- 🌟 Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something
- 🌟 I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long
- 🌟 An escalator can never break it can only become stairs
- 🌟 I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring
- 🌟 I’m against picketing but I don’t know how to show it
- 🌟 My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them
- 🌟 I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one so I got a cake
- 🌟 I don’t have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that
- 🌟 I wish I could play little league now I’d be way better than before
- 🌟 The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get I’ll never be as good as a wall
- 🌟 I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool it was 30 seconds long because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool
- 🌟 I opened a yogurt and under the lid it said please try again because they were having a contest that I was unaware of
- 🌟 I had a stick of CareFree gum but it didn’t work
- 🌟 I’m sick of following my dreams I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Funny
- 😂 I used to do drugs I still do but I used to too
- 😂 My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt what’s really going on here
- 😂 I’m not addicted to cocaine I just like the way it smells
- 😂 I got an ant farm them fellas didn’t grow shit
- 😂 I saw a human pyramid once it was very unnecessary
- 😂 You know you can’t please all the people all the time and last night all those people were at my show
- 😂 I like rice rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something
- 😂 I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long
- 😂 My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana I said no but I want a regular banana later so yes
- 😂 I had a parrot the parrot talked but it did not say I’m hungry so it died
- 😂 Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read
- 😂 Alcoholism is a disease but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having
- 😂 The thing about tennis is no matter how good I get I’ll never be as good as a wall
- 😂 If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be messed up
- 😂 I don’t have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that
Comedian Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- 🎤 I think Bigfoot is blurry that’s the problem
- 🎤 I saw a commercial on late night TV it said forget everything you know about slipcovers so I did
- 🎤 I bought a two-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not giving a damn
- 🎤 I saw a wino eating grapes and I was like dude you have to wait
- 🎤 I used to be a hot-tar roofer yeah I remember that day
- 🎤 I wanted to get a candle holder but the store didn’t have one so I got a cake
- 🎤 I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long
- 🎤 I opened a yogurt and under the lid it said please try again
- 🎤 My roommate said to me I’m gonna go shave and I said I don’t care if you live or die
- 🎤 I got a king-sized bed I don’t own any actual kings
- 🎤 If you find yourself lost in the woods build a house
- 🎤 I like escalators because they can never break they just become stairs
- 🎤 My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana I said no but I want a regular banana later so yes
- 🎤 I had a parrot the parrot talked but it never said I’m hungry so it died
- 🎤 My belt holds up my pants and my pants hold up my belt who is the real hero
Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- 😄 I got a king-sized bed I don’t own any kings
- 😄 My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana I said no but I want a regular banana later so yes
- 😄 I used to be a hot tar roofer yeah I remember that day
- 😄 I don’t have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that
- 😄 I saw a human pyramid once it was very unnecessary
- 😄 I like rice if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something
- 😄 I’m sick of following my dreams I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later
- 😄 Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read
- 😄 I had a stick of CareFree gum but it didn’t work
- 😄 I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool it was 30 seconds long
- 😄 I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one so I got a cake
- 😄 My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them
- 😄 My roommate said he’s going to shave I said I don’t care if you live or die
- 😄 The depressing thing about tennis is I’ll never be as good as a wall
- 😄 If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be messed up
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Drugs
- 💊 I used to do drugs I still do but I used to too
- 💊 I’m not addicted to cocaine I just like the way it smells
- 💊 Alcoholism is a disease but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having
- 💊 I got an ant farm them fellas didn’t grow shit
- 💊 If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be messed up
- 💊 I saw a wino eating grapes and I was like dude you have to wait
- 💊 I had a stick of CareFree gum but it didn’t work
- 💊 I’m against picketing but I don’t know how to show it
- 💊 My roommate said he’s going to shave I said I don’t care if you live or die
- 💊 My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them
- 💊 I had a parrot the parrot talked but it did not say I’m hungry so it died
- 💊 I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool it was 30 seconds long
- 💊 I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long
- 💊 Rice is great if you’re hungry and want to eat two thousand of something
- 💊 The depressing thing about tennis is I’ll never be as good as a wall
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Donut
- 🍩 I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut I don’t need a receipt for a donut
- 🍩 The donut shop always gives me a receipt for a 55 cent purchase I’ll just hold on to that
- 🍩 I don’t need a receipt for a donut I give you money you give me the donut end of transaction
- 🍩 If you need a receipt for a donut you might work at the IRS
- 🍩 The donut receipt is a bit much I’m not returning the donut
- 🍩 I’m not going to bring it back saying this donut has a hole in it
- 🍩 I don’t need proof of my donut purchase
- 🍩 I’ve never needed a receipt for food ever but now I have one for a donut
- 🍩 If I eat a donut too fast I get a weird headache
- 🍩 Donuts are like edible coffee cups when you dip them
- 🍩 Glazed donuts are like edible trophies
- 🍩 Donuts are breakfast dessert
- 🍩 The best donuts are free donuts
- 🍩 Donuts and coffee best friends forever
- 🍩 Sprinkles are just confetti for donuts
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Duck
- 🦆 I saw a duck and a duck couple walking and I thought that’s nice they’ve found each other
- 🦆 Ducks have it easy they always have a floatation device attached
- 🦆 Ducks don’t need umbrellas they’re always waterproof
- 🦆 I like ducks they walk like they’re trying to impress someone
- 🦆 I once saw a duck crossing the road they didn’t care about traffic
- 🦆 Ducks don’t go to work they just float around
- 🦆 Ducks have built-in raincoats
- 🦆 Ducks quack to communicate it’s their own version of comedy
- 🦆 I tried to befriend a duck once but it just swam away
- 🦆 Ducks have cool feet they’re like little paddles
- 🦆 Ducks don’t need swimming lessons
- 🦆 Ducks always seem calm even in storms
- 🦆 Ducks are the masters of floating and chilling
- 🦆 Ducks are like little floating comedians
- 🦆 Ducks don’t have bad days they just quack it off
Funniest Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- 🤣 I used to do drugs I still do but I used to too
- 🤣 I got an ant farm them fellas didn’t grow shit
- 🤣 Rice is great if you’re hungry and want to eat two thousand of something
- 🤣 An escalator can never break it can only become stairs
- 🤣 My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them
- 🤣 I wish I could play little league now I’d be way better than before
- 🤣 Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read
- 🤣 If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be messed up
- 🤣 I saw a wino eating grapes and I was like dude you have to wait
- 🤣 My roommate said I’m gonna go shave and I said I don’t care if you live or die
- 🤣 The depressing thing about tennis is that I’ll never be as good as a wall
- 🤣 I saw a human pyramid once it was very unnecessary
- 🤣 My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt
- 🤣 I’m sick of following my dreams I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later
- 🤣 I had a parrot the parrot talked but it did not say I’m hungry so it died
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Birthday
- 🎂 I wish I could play little league now I’d be way better than before
- 🎂 I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring
- 🎂 My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them
- 🎂 I don’t have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that
- 🎂 I saw a human pyramid once it was very unnecessary
- 🎂 My friend asked if I wanted a frozen banana I said no but I want a regular banana later so yes
- 🎂 I’m sick of following my dreams I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later
- 🎂 If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be messed up
- 🎂 Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read
- 🎂 My roommate said he’s going to shave I said I don’t care if you live or die
- 🎂 I saw a wino eating grapes and I was like dude you have to wait
- 🎂 I had a stick of CareFree gum but it didn’t work
- 🎂 The depressing thing about tennis is that I’ll never be as good as a wall
- 🎂 I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one so I got a cake
- 🎂 My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt
Conclusion
Mitch Hedberg’s unique comedic voice remains unmatched. His one-liners continue to make audiences laugh with their simplicity, absurdity, and clever wordplay.
If you need a quick chuckle or a good belly laugh, these quotes capture the timeless humor that made Mitch Hedberg a legend.
